


BITTER HEARTS AND BILLETS-DOUX

by Joeyrumlow



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, F/M, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Heartbreak, Hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:07:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23875183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joeyrumlow/pseuds/Joeyrumlow
Summary: You think that Cas can never return your feelings; he has been distancing himself from you lately and you are hurt and miserable. But you only get to read his heart after the end.
Relationships: Castiel (Supernatural)/You
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	BITTER HEARTS AND BILLETS-DOUX

The cold water hit your face apprehensively and you shuddered, stilling in your movements. On examining your features in the bathroom mirror, you were met with a pretty disagreeable appearance - red rimmed eyes laden with heavy bags underneath, hair dishevelled and the water tracing the lines along a sunken face. 

You had not been able to get any sleep since coming back from a particularly harrowing hunt the day before and it was beginning to take its toll on you. Tired in both mind and body but incapable of putting either of them to rest, you stood in front of the mirror like a phantom, vaguely conscious that another hunt was to follow soon after. 

Your eyes suddenly caught the glint of silver on the side of the sink and you blinked in surprise; you did not realise that you had taken it off. You grasped the tendrils of coruscating silver and white that perfectly wound to form a flower, admiring the intricacies that had adorned your neck for almost a year. 

You had seen it in an antique store not long after teaming up with the boys and you had been bewitched. However, there were other important matters to attend to and you had been obliged to forget it. But about two days later, Cas had given you that very beauty, pronouncing somewhat awkwardly that he had taken the liberty of buying it because you were fervent in your admiration for it. You did not remember mentioning that to him but you had accepted it with a warm "thank you" and a great many blushes. 

You smiled bitterly as you looked back at the memory that had promised so much hope, at least to you. 

You always thought that you and Cas had a bond that was beyond friendship, a connection that held the blossoms of something profound and incredible. And yet, nothing had come of it. Cas was peculiar in his conduct towards you; sometimes spending the whole day with you, asking about your interests, doing little things for you, sharing some of the most remarkable memories buried since time immemorial. He would stand with you if things got bad, providing silent comfort, either by an assuring look or with a warm press of your hand. But at other times, he barely acknowledged your presence, speaking only when necessary and you were often left wondering if you had offended him. Your feelings for him prevented you from turning away but lately, he had been more and more perverse. Something had happened but you could not comprehend what as he had begun purposefully ignoring you; you were exceedingly puzzled but also hurt, terribly and incomprehensibly. You had ceased to think that he would return your feelings a long time ago but his recent behaviour had been nothing less than painful. It was evident that he had grown to despise you and was probably putting up with you only for the sake of Sam and Dean. 

You sniffed as tears stung your eyes. You felt foolish for entertaining that sliver of hope even as your heart bled and broke. You swiftly wiped your tears, clutching that once cherished piece of endearment and determining to put it away forever. But you knew it would be an odious expedition in itself for the fire of a heartbreak was only beginning to singe. 

"Y/N? If you're done, we're ready to go," Sam's voice accompanied the knock on the door and you replied in as steady a voice as you could, "Give me five minutes Sammy!" 

As you hurried out after a hasty but careful fix, the dull eye of the argent flower dangling from your fist gloomily stared after you. 

~*~

It was all over. Panting, clutching your chest, clawing your hair, you looked at his lifeless form only to burst out into a violent fit of weeping again. Sam and Dean did not know what to do; they hung like silent lamps on either side of you with a pain that benumbed their hearts and brought tears in their eyes. You tried waking him again, holding him by the unyielding lapels, shaking him, calling his name and finally falling with a paroxysm of sobs. 

The eyes that had held you in awe with their tender aspects of warmth and candour were now blank, covered with the veil of nothingness. Dean's trembling hand moved to close them and then you only saw a sleeping Cas, shrouded by the wreaths of flowing crimson. His hands that had more than once held yours, no matter how brief the span but with a warmth sempiternal, were cold against your freezing ones, tracing your veins and your heart to wrap it in bitter ice. Cries of desperation were reduced to whimpers and whispers, the light of the world fading with the light of those dear irises, the hope of unspoken wishes trampled under the foot of eternal darkness. 

You watched the flames devour every obstacle, straining to burn the canopy of stars overhead in prostrate silence. Dazed and defeated, you felt entangled in a haze of indecipherable instances, lost in a mirage of erratic disbelief and horror. Only when you caught the whiff of familiarity did you realise that you were back at the bunker within the walls of your own room. You looked down at the precious trenchcoat that Dean had just placed on your lap, gently running your fingers along the fabric of memory, of feelings, of love that had been overflowing the bounds of your heart from the very beginning. 

The embankments could no longer hold back the torrent of emotions, gushing forth with unparalleled strength. Sam and Dean left you, knowing that they could provide you no comfort, each wallowing in their own silent misery. Broken and desolate, they went away precisely because they were unable to see your heart wrenching soul crushing mind numbing entire self crumbling stupor of loss that could not be outlived. 

The seraph smiled and your heart was set aflutter. He leaned in ever so slightly, shoulder brushing yours, his hand gently putting a strand behind your ear. Castiel brought his hands to tenderly cradle your face, thumbs softly brushing your cheeks. "It's alright Y/N."   
When those pools of lucid beauty that had captivated him long ago finally overflowed, sadness wrung his heart and in a voice drenched in agony he added, "I'm sorry I caused these priceless pearls to fall in the first place." 

You shook your head. "You don't get to say that Cas. It's not your fault." Bringing a hand to caress his cheek while combing his locks with the other, you whispered, "I love you." 

He smiled a sad smile and drew nearer to place his forehead against yours. "I wish I'd known it before."

You woke up with a start, finding the lights still burning and the trenchcoat still cradled in your hands. Streams of fresh tears followed the course down your face as his endearing countenance came to your mind, looking at you with a sweetness unmeasured. Images of the happy hours you had spent with him in the earlier days of your acquaintance passed before your eyes; reading and conversing, the angel asking strange questions with furrowed brows and even annoying Dean, amidst awkward encounters and shy smiles and mirthful laughter. 

It could have been only yesterday where he had approached you with considerable diffidence and given you that dear and priceless adornment. You wildly groped about your neck in search of it, almost fainting in a fit of hysteria at the recollection of it being wrenched and crushed in that horrible struggle only a few hours ago. Suddenly overcome in a frenzy of desperation to feel him, you frantically pulled the coat and pushed your arms through the sleeves with indomitable sobbing and shaking. You wrapped your arms around yourself, breathing in the smell that cursed and soothed you in its wake. But you stilled when your hand caught a crunch in his right pocket, a little groping revealing the unmistakable edge of paper running along the seams. You pulled out a small envelope with unsteady hands, intricate and delicate in its bearing but a little worn out on account of its being carried about. Your heart stopped for a moment when you noticed that it was addressed to you in Cas' eloquent writing. Quivering fingers and a dull throbbing slowly opened the envelope to reveal the letter that made the indifferent stars weep and sent the stoic mountains mad. 

My dearest Y/N,   
I have tried many times to tell you how I feel but have always failed. When I first encountered you in that memorable vampire case of a year ago, I was readily taken in by your pretty smiles and the elegance with which you executed an otherwise perilous adventure. When I did get to know you in the months that followed, my admiration for you changed into something different yet wonderful that grew more and more strong every day. 

I came to the bunker today as I have been for the past months in hopes of seeing you and spending some time with you; I have been intending to disclose my feelings to you for they can be contained no more. But my words fail me again and again, crippling doubt and trepidation overpowering me every time and forcing me to retreat in silent misery. And therefore, I have resolved to articulate myself by taking up my pen. 

I must tell you that before I met you, I did not have much to cherish in my existence and was always plagued with an overburdening emptiness. You brought warmth, joy and colour into my colourless skies - you breathe the grace that gives me new life each day. Ever since I have drunk this liquor of love, your love, shadows of the past and present sorrows have deserted me. I feel the embrace of happiness and my heart sings with delight. I love you my Love, forever and a day. 

Yours and yours truly,   
Castiel.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for the amazing 19mrs-rogers18's 400 writing challenge on tumblr.


End file.
